Hi, thanks for your message. Reaching out to her was a big mistake and just set me back years in my recovery. I wouldn’t apologize because that shows empty words. After a month I entered into a relationship the girl I developed feelings for and she is currently my girlfriend. So now the only way to reach him would be a facebook private message. You might have completely moved on and be having the time of your life– then suddenly, here’s your ex. It started feeling so onesided at some point. this is a very helpful article but I still need a little help. Thank you for your post… I just wrote an email to my ex whom I broke up almost 10 years ago. I tried to call my ex and he asked me why did I try to reach him out? Have you ever thought that maybe he might have also changed in a way that is no longer compatible with who you are? That friend of mine asked me out a month or so later. I have had urges like this in he past and I would reach out and we would catch up which usually included hooking up and 3 times he asked me to marry him, the last time in 1999 each time I turned him down.. and I haven't spoken to him since. You now have the chance to get the woman you love back and experience a new and profound love with her. I am happy with my life but I often think about him and think what I did wrong. Obviously she meant a lot to you and you made a mistake leaving her. They used over forms of words and that still doesn’t work. An ex is in the midst of apologizing to me (via text). Change your behavior and I want proof, otherwise your wasting your time. Talk is cheap. If you decide to stick with no contact, remember to work on improving yourself and your emotional stability. The following is a list of common arguments against an apology and how I believe they don’t really stand up. The last 2 weeks I am dreaming about him, cannot stop thinking about him and I am sick to my stomach over reaching out. Maybe in his case it took a bad experience to appreciate that he had a good thing with you? Your reasoning sounds understandable enough. I get some answers of “yes” and some of “NO! My ex has new girl and I'm crushed - sorry this was posted wrong 1st time, Ex girlfriend says she'll reach out "when she's ready", When She Becomes Distant: What Men Do Wrong. Mainly because if you apologize, to someone like me for example, it will sound cheap. Obviously she meant a lot to you and you made a mistake leaving her. I just don’t know how to handle this kind of case. Provided you weren’t out and out abusive back in the day, use some of what you’ve written here and contact her. Hey Katrina, Now after a few months of ‘ghosting’ him, ignoring all his texts and leaving him on read, he has stopped even trying with me. I am in a similar situation. The best thing you can do here is keep it short and friendly. I want to send him a true apology, not expecting anything back and bring a real closure to the relationship. The only way to reach out to an ex-boyfriend or ex-girlfriend is by appearing simple and authentic. I twisted my left wrist allowing the bright blue digits to pop up on my Fitbit-4:10 it read. If there's no one else around, people have a nasty habit of reaching for their phones to drunk call or text their ex. Incredibly great book for mending relationships! LOL So everyone knows everyone’s business. Missing an ex, he says, doesn't necessarily mean you're not ready to start dating again after a breakup. After 50 years it must feel like a part of you is missing. I hurt an ex almost 16 years ago and while we have both gone our separate ways, I still feel terrible. I started asking about him to people who knew him they said a lot of things but what really got me scared was that he’s sort of a playboy. later: 1. The ex is your ex for a reason. Please let me know. Like over this past weekend, I got a friend request from an ex-boyfriend I hadn’t seen in 15 years. I believe we are on this earth to learn and love, and learn about love. What’s worse is that his friends led him to believe that I had cheated on him and left him for another guy who was actually my bestfriend. Maybe it’s because I knew that I would move back there one day. Any advice? Hi, there! Due to moving out of the country with my parents, at the age of 19, our relationship became long distance. After a year and a half in this 4th relationship, my girlfriend at that time had cheated on me and I had also ended that relationship upon discovering this. And at least you’ll find out the damage you caused was not that bad after all. How could I hurt a person like that? Thank you. I’m Sorry for What Happened. I love him and I know he loved me, we just had our issues. That was the last time we ever contacted each other. Plus do u think asking a friend to talk to him for me is a bad idea? Question: My husband wants a divorce, but I don't. I said to hell with it and wrote the dude a letter. The best thing you can do here is keep it short and friendly. It was actually hard for him to quit. I’ve wanted to apologise for hurting him and explain. I’ll wait for the right time to apologize if I have to but when will I know if its the right time? I’m absolutely so thankful of this article! I wish her well and don’t expect a response, but my soul needs to make amends. As years go by, I realize I had truly loved this guy and I still care even though there is no part of him left in my present. In other cases perhaps, the individual had time to reflect, explore his or her feelings about the breakup after a period of time and feels inclined to try and reach out and return. Even a simple message like “long time no see…how are things with you?” can be very effective. Thank you, I’m glad we share a viewpoint on this topic. Okay so I have childhood ex that I havent seen for about 5 years now because me and my family decided to move somewhat far away at the time… Only temporary though .. 4 years was the plan, but now it’s been extended to 6 years. The issue is, I’m fucking terrified. Is it wrong to reach out to EX after 15 years? So no point establishing contact and giving even an iota of a chance to ruin the present relationship. Any advice would help. Where was this article a month ago!! I kinda let … By then I’ll see if you changed or not. I told him “I need to talk to you” (out of nerves, I would have worded it a lot better but I’m a bit rubbish when confrontation and it was in passing… I know, that was stupid). Chances are he’ll still ignore you, but it’ll make you feel better to at least know that he knows. I miss him a lot and our family, grown sons and grandchildren. It may be the past but it haunts my future. We almost always regret the things we don’t do. I broke up with my ex a couple of months ago (don’t want to go into great detail, but basically it’s because I was confused/unsure as it was my first serious relationship so had no clue), but now I really regret it. For all these years I have wanted to tell him that I never meant for it to end that way and that I never left him for another guy. It’s a little too ‘new age’ for what I’d say (please don’t start talking about a vortex), but the core message of feeling separated from ourselves within a relationship is well described https://www.facebook.com/monique.vandervleuten.7/videos/vb.100001720568878/161043580629660/?type=2&theater. Think of yourself first. I met a woman 2yrs ago and we got on so well it was a bit scary, she was scared that we got so clos so soon, we spoke all the time, she would always call over for hugs etc and said she’s not letting go of me and that she wished she met me years ago, the only bad thing was that she is a bit childish. 10 years ago I tried to reach out when my mother passed away and I called his mom, she informed me he had gotten married and moved to Ukiah, so I left it alone. And whatever you do, do not say “I’m sorry you were hurt”, no one wants to hear you apologize for how they feel. I freaked out and changed my phone number. Then when I came back to my senses, I realized that what I did wasn’t really fair for him. You were both young, and made mistakes––own up to yours, which was not to talk to him. should i talk to my ex lover wife and ask firgiveness because until now she is upset to me. This might be true. His apology. I am so ashamed, I wish I was still with him. Fast forward to 6 mos ago. I was just sort of wondering if I’m doing the right thing? That she found someone to love her and whom she loves. You have big news. No problems, I’m glad this was of use to you . If you ex does reach out to you, consider the request with caution. Thank you for this update, I’m glad my writing has helped you . I have a picture of you on my wall” or “you keep appearing in my dreams but I am beginning to realize it’s not real” .. You have no idea how shameful I feel when I read these messages today .. She is the person that I see most in my dreams, but I never told her. My BF lets his 15 year old daughter sleep with him. I didn’t do it for anyone else but ME because I deserve to have peace too. "Expectations lead to letdowns and disappointments." Even if many years have passed. She met somebody else very soon but was having problems with him, she then came near my place of work so we started talking again and she was reminiscing over old times this went on for a few months then she went back to her other man, when I put a post on Facebook a few months later she commented on it, I then put a video post on Facebook about some cooking and she got her friend to comment and basically asked to taste my food?? I think about him all the time. I just stumbled upon this article and it’s really amazing to hear from people and how much they have changed for the better. The surreal stress of the full-blown COVID-10 pandemic is causing some people to reach out to their exes for one last attempt at connection. Dating an ex after years apart is a golden opportunity that you cannot waste. It’s been bothering me lately and It is not that I’m looking to get anything from it, but I feel compelled to apologize. Sometimes, we do have to throw caution in the wind. Anyway she wouldn’t talk to me and told her friends I wanted to much to soon, when her friends told me this I showed them the text and they said “Oh it’s not just me its her to” I guess she did t like being proven wrong. Be open, kind, respectful, and get straight to the point. I was absolutely scared to be toyed with, I guess everyone is. Now I am married, have kid. Unfortunately, I don’t think I will ever discover the answer. Everyone speaks as though doing this is such a horrible thing. In response I used to talk to him very rudely and said very hurtful things. Thank you, Katerina! Hi the link to the sample of good apology letter can’t be found. But it’s a big assumption to think they wouldn’t care. I feel as though I may come across sounding like a broken record. Wife of 15 years had an affair with family friend.... Is it wrong to want my wife to have sex with a black man? Best to see what emotional state you’re both in and if enough has changed and will be different this next time around for this to perhaps go differently. I had drunk texted him or one of his family members two weeks ago. That way, whatever happens, you can’t be disappointed. Take one day at a time, keep this apology simple by addressing what YOU did wrong, and don’t make this bigger than it needs to be. Yes I want to feel a little less guilty. I tried to contact him one more time a month later when I was visiting my home country, but sadly he said he does not want to talk to me any more. All details will remain private. In all these years she told me things like “you can’t imagine how much I miss you.. Dreaming about your ex years later is not uncommon. We weren’t actually in a relationship yet but we were exclusively dating. Only once a month he would call me and yell at me saying that I have changed so much, and that I don’t care about him anymore. I got really mad and stopped calling him/emailing him and told him that I won’t talk to him until he stops smoking. If your intentions are really about forgiveness and not about manipulation, I think you should absolutely write the letter and if the person who receives it doesn’t understand then that is okay bc at least somewhere inside them there is a weight removed whether it be hurt feelings or regret. I don’t want to establish a relationship with him again but I feel that I need to make amends with him. “I am also afraid that what if he wants me back but realizes I am not the same person he fell in love with?” You seem to be going into this apology with a sense of hope that he WILL take you back. We were young and I was stupid for making stupid mistakes at that age. I don’t know how to approach the situation. I’m glad you found my post helpful! If you’re considering reaching out to an ex, just make sure you think about it first. Sign up to get started. Many times, there is rejection that the ex was not expecting, and returns to one … I broke our promises. That too 10–15 long years. I just want a better closure because he deserves it and it would also help me as well. Make a list of what you did wrong, under each of these list how you believe the other person was likely made to feel. I have apologized in the past and for all the wrong reasons. Yeah, my cheating university ex used to reach out to chat and ask how my life was going every now and then for ~5 years after we broke up. I’ve been trying to ignore it because I can’t solve it. The thing is I can tell when an apology is not met with sincerity, as I’m sure she could too. I did write that i wanted to write him for a long time but didn’t know if it was aporopriate and also that I didn’t expect him to reply to me. I can’t believe how stupid I was. Unanticipated, unasked, over five years later. The only person that can ever answer that is your ex., but from personal experience - every now and then I think about past boyfriends, especially the ones who were kind to me and close to my family. You have said what I initially believed but started doubting myself. Obviously she meant a lot to you and you made a mistake leaving her. … Yes, you might lose some guilt from doing it, but that is not the point. My ex had these things to say to me after our relationship had ended over five years earlier. I had this really crazy relationship with this guy a long time ago and it ended really badly. Priya does not know why I broke up with her or that I’m already in a relationship. Hi I’ve been reading your comments and they seem very sensible therefore can you help as I’m thinking of apologising but not sure? I’m here to tell you that this is a BIG opportunity for you …and it’s something you … Thank you. I know this seems like a cut and dry question. I’m talking dating a serial cheater who was emotionally abusive, but you know what, in the end I still apologized for what I did and the ways I acted out. I was recently thinking about an ex. I don’t think you were entirely wrong in stepping back. I had every right to argue his behavior was the reason for my inflicting pain but ultimately I’m a grown woman and I’m the one responsible for how I act. I wanted him to think that I was with some other guy (and told him the name of a friend of mine) so that he would stop calling me completely. I prefer not to have people apologize to me as I believe actions speaks louder than words. My wife of 15 yrs & I are gone to the Jamaica she want to get wild & have h... Will she ever reach out or am I wasting my time waiting? Don’t even contact someone who has been clear with their boundaries. Although I am married, I had been thinking of her a great deal over the past several years.It was affecting my life in a negative manner and I needed closure to "get on with it," so I … I needed to be there by 4:30. I was married for 50 years, he was a good man but I just had so much on me. Like actually terrified. Thank you for your post… I just wrote an email to my ex whom I broke up almost 10 years ago. The last 2 weeks I am dreaming about him, cannot stop thinking about him and I am sick to my stomach over reaching out. When you say you fear your ex will retaliate in anger, if you mean literally try to hurt or damage you, then please do not contact him. I guess this is a selfish reason for an apology but I also want them to know how sorry I am because I think they’d trust love in future. This apology needs to come 100% from you. I sent it to his parents house and I don’t even know if he ever read it and if he did I doubt he cared. Over the years I think about how I was then and how poorly I treated her. I never ever intended to treat her bad or make her cry and to this day it makes me upset on how i made her feel. I still care for him, a lot. Reaching Out After Multiple Years The hardest part of getting your ex back is making the first contact with them. if you contact him while hes married you will just cause drama for everyone involved. I would reach out to her and have that closure. I’ve linked to a new article that has an easy-to-follow apology formula. I never got to tell him that I had depression. This is amazing. In my specific case, one day, seemingly out of the blue, MY EX of 10 YEARS broke up with me and kicked me out of our home of 8 years that we shared (for a girl 22 years younger than we are) and appeared to never even LOOK BACK. You have to weigh up what the worse case scenario is and if you can handle that. I need to explain myself. If only he had asked.“ DO NOT even mention this if you apologise, otherwise you risk looking like you’re placing blame on him. Otherwise you’ll just be playing the same old broken record. That person more than likely forgot about it. I’m guessing he’s just been through another breakup and she DID lash out. otherwise why do you want to contact him? Is it acceptable to do this? The thing is I have been the biggest jerk to her in these 5 years. I just wasn't ready. I guess whether or not you apologise comes down to whether saving face is more important to you than perhaps giving yourself (and hopefully him) some closure. 10 years ago I tried to reach out when my mother passed away and I called his mom, she informed me he had gotten married and moved to Ukiah, so I left it alone. I’m scared I’ll always just think of him and nobody else. But I’d still appreciate knowing. Around the same time, I found out that my ex lied to me about stopping his smoking habit. There’s no way out of this either way I guess as I said that I need to talk to him. Anyway we argued one night of which she apologised and said she missed me a few days later. I didn’t know how to show him that except with silent treatment..he thought I had broken up with him (I was young and stupid-17 yrs to be precise). Write a letter, stating why you should apologize and your feelings then burn it. His email said that he’d had some things on his mind. First, you might be opening an old wound, but I doubt it. You'll only qualify for benefits based on an ex-spouse's record if your marriage lasted 10 years and you've been divorced for at least two consecutive years. I have someone I have wanted to apologize to 17 years, but every friend I talk to about it says no way! You’re not just ruminating and patting yourself on the back, you’re doing something to remedy the past. 10 years ago I tried to reach out when my mother passed away and I called his mom, she informed me he had gotten married and moved to Ukiah, so I left it alone. The last message she wrote, was that she had a dream about me, that I had become a criminal and that being the reason that I could not come back to her.. Two days after that, she got in a relationship.. .. He always wanted to explore the world and we knew that since the very beginning. After crying, talking, and crying a lot more, he left, and I closed the door behind him. This many be the case but remember, we’re big kids now. You might like to read my article on why we choose to love bad people, it might not apply completely to your situation, but it might bring up some questions as to why and if you should push any kind of relationship with this guy. image credit: mikebaird,  Simson Petrol, ME. Should I let her reach out OR let her initiate contact? It’s Okay for you to consider taking him back, HOWEVER there’s a reason (or maybe many reasons) you two broke up. Hello and the post you made was something. I just really want to apologize, but I guess I can’t right now. Would be helpful thanks, Thanks heaps for alerting me to this issue, Julie! So I really want some advice on what to do. It took me 5 years to realize just how important she is to me, and now I would like to apologize in the best possible way. I will be moving back soon and I want her back in my life even though if it’s just as a friend. The last time we spoke via text she said I have caused her problems so even though she wanted to be friends she said we can’t, but then a few days later she went to the shop next to where I work as she knows I always buy food there and I was in there but I ignored here. For regular updates, feel free to Subscribe to her newsletter. Hi Katerina! I’m not sure I would respond back – as you said – it’d feel like opening old wounds. My Ex found out of two horrific tragedies, and one upsetting situation that I recently suffered. I say use action over words works best. I heard this works. It’s also easier to manipulate conversation via text as there’s time to think of replies and room for misinterpretation when you can’t see how someone’s sentiments are being delivered. I am not sure why I have been acting this way. Anything you send him will be a … Few months later, my mom’s emotional blackmail raised to its peak. Katerina Simms is a Romance Writer & Recovering Former Mermaid, born on a sunny Mediterranean island. It was a really bad experience for me. on Should You Apologize to an Ex, Even if Years Have Passed? Your article really helped me to to apologize to my ex. I left my boyfriend twice. I’m seeing him some time this week so I’m trying to find the words to write down so I can do this properly and make sure that he knows that I’m not just doing this for me. In spite of our estrangment for a year. If you decide to stick with no contact, remember to work on improving yourself and your emotional stability. However, after few months, my mom found out about us and started to emotionally torture me and watching my each steps (she wanted me to marry someone else). Again, thank you for writing exactly what I believe. That is their prerogative and chances are the hurt you caused is greater than the guilt you feel. Because clearly it’s still bothering you, and maybe it’s still bothering them. Why would you do that? we dont always get what we want. It really helps me lift a heavy burden off my chest. You'll only qualify for benefits based on an ex-spouse's record if your marriage lasted 10 years and you've been divorced for at least two consecutive years… way i see it you had your chance and he moved on. He was a really nice and loved me like crazy. The last 2 weeks I am dreaming about him, cannot stop thinking about him and I am sick to my stomach over reaching out. The fact is you don’t know what’s going on in another persons heart, they might want your apology, just as much as you want to give it. He wouldn’t talk or want to see me anymore. Weirdly, whether we like it or not, exes do this all the time– and it’s important not to automatically decide that your ex wants you back. For the most part it felt like I was viewing a new television game show called “Who Wants to be a Masochist?” So what if the apology rids you of some guilt? You seem to hold a lot of doubts, I think the best way to deal with those is to do as my post states––go into this apology expecting absolutely nothing back. I had another boyfriend who had been murdered shortly before that and there was so much that I never was able to say to him. Your apology may instigate some lingering questions, answer them and let the other party have their closure too. I don’t want to enter her life again because I’ll end up hurting her again. Before we got separated….mind you, we never had sex, he laid a kiss on my forehead to say goodbye to me before I moved out of state later that same day. !” and now I’m worried about what to say… but it feels like I need to do this so he knows that I didn’t break up with him in the spur of a moment thing… if that makes sense? I later found out that they had argued about me because the man she was with was very very jealous or threatened by me even though I had never met him?? As mentioned in my article, I’ve apologised for my mistakes even when I was the lesser of two evils––it really did help me let go of a lot––but not everything. I told him we could talk over the phone. A full-on communication stop after a breakup is rare these days. I didn’t know how to show him that except with silent treatment..he thought I had broken up with him (I was young and stupid-17 yrs to be precise). There’s a chance that what you did hurt your ex bad enough that they are not at a place to give forgiveness. Apologise because it’s the right thing to do––without any other reason behind it. He also got married few years ago. I’m so glad you’ve come to the realisations you have, even if you can’t make that apology. Ideally, you should only reach out if you really … I want to also address this phrase from you, “It started feeling so onesided at some point. More to the point, it’s ok to acknowledge your progress as a human being, and in doing so, share it with the people you burned along the way. tame your ego. Personally, I’d write him a letter/email detailing your apology, but don’t include anything about wanting anything from him–including friendship–that can come later if he’s receptive. ... That Sat. After 30 years I found some letters from a girlfriend whom I have never truly forgotten. I feel like I have really hurt him. Make sure you remain honest if you decide to speak. Maybe 2 months later before visiting my home country, I chatted with my first bf and he asked me if we could meet once. Romance Writer & Recovering Former Mermaid. We cover topics you’d find helpful like how to recover after an ex reaches out, how to set boundaries after a breakup and why ex contact can be so difficult to cut off. You sound really self aware and I like that, I’m glad you’re able to see what motivated you in this relationship. Aside from social media stalking, many ex-couples continue to actually communicate—trying to stay friends. Like I said, I prefer actions over words. So, get to a meet up with her as soon as possible where you can reactivate her … :/Do you think that’s a bad idea? He was my boyfriend in a difficult time in my life and I took out my pain on him; he is the only person I have ever been truly unkind to and completely selfish with. Perhaps if this applies to your reasons for ending the relationship, you come come up with a variation of these words to explain. We didn’t even get a chance to share how we felt about each other. You need to really be back in touch and create what I like to call an open platform of communication where you feel comfortable to reach out to someone without second guessing yourself. In which case most people, even if they have moved on, will still appreciate your effort. 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